My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
