Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
