I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize