well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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