I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
