so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
