You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
