That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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