She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
