Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
