Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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