just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
