just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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