just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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