Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
