I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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