Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
