Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
