I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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