life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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