Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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