chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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