Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
