I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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