im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
