I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There are leaves in my underwear?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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