I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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