And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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