Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
