we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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