Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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