Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
