and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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