I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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