You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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