one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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