I'm gonna have a badass scar
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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