the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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