hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
