Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
