Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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