I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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