I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's the barista slut.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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