I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
