All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
