I puked a lego.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
