It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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