Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
