I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
