i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
