I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
